Downward Spiral

I should have seen the signs over the last few days: lack of energy, emotional, numbness, irritability, lack of interest in pretty much everything…I’m starting that downward spiral into my depressions that I get from time to time.

It’s hard to describe how I feel when this happens. It kind of feels like I’m doing everything in slow motion and that my head is in a fog. Things that usually excite me or put a smile on my face do nothing for me. I feel numb to everything and everyone.

One very bad thing that happens is my self-esteem absolutely plummets. I feel very fat and very ugly and very stupid. I feel like no one likes me or wants to be around me – and if they do, then they’re just putting me on and when I leave they talk badly about me. I think I am a bad person.

I am not exactly sure what has spurred it on this time. I have a feeling it might be the anxiety about writing the thesis. In my head, I was pretty sure I can get it done in a month or so. Got to say, that I just feel like dragging it on so I don’t feel the pressure to submit early.

I’ve tried some things this weekend to try and escape the spiral: gone to the gym, went for a walk, ate some junk food, read, napped — all have done nothing. All I want to do is curl up in bed and never come out.

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Comments on: "Downward Spiral" (5)

  1. So sorry. I hope you feel better soon. And your supervisor should not have laughed at you. You know your own abilities better than he does.

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  2. Oh MCH!!! I am so sorry you’re getting into one of these funks. You are awesome and remember that. Forget what your supervisor said, just do your thing. Thick skin is an important skill to develop – write your thesis and show your supervisor who is boss! Maybe then in the future, he’ll tell stories about his legendary student who wrote her thesis in a month, and he won’t laugh when he comes across another student with similar skills and ambitions.

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  3. Mrs. CH, that totally sucks! Believe me when I say I know what it feels like to feel yourself slipping into a depression.

    First, your advisor should not have laughed at you. That was way out of line. You know your abilities better than he does. You are awesome. If you think you can finish your thesis in a month or so, well, then you can. Regardless, I doubt that he was laughing at you per se, but the idea of any student finishing in a month. Don’t let it rattle you!

    Second, good for you for being proactive in trying to escape the spiral. It takes a lot of motivation and strength of will to do things to try to head off a depression when you feel like crap. And, even if it feels like it’s not helping, it is sooo much better than curling up in bed and never coming out because that for sure won’t help.

    I’m really proud of you for putting your feelings online like this. The more of us who do it, the more we feel like we’re not alone!

    Hang in there, we’re rooting for you! Send me an email if you want to talk more.

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  4. Seconding what everyone else says – it sucks, I’m sorry, thanks for sharing, well done on taking some action…

    Um, supervisors aren’t always aware of just how minutely their supervisees track their reactions, though, he almost certainly didn’t mean to make mock of you… can you use ‘prove him wrong’ as a tool to help you keep making some progress through the funk?

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  5. 😦
    Laughing at you was completely unnecessary. I’m sorry to hear that things are so shitty right now.

    But, as everyone else has said, keep your head up high because you CAN do it if you want to!

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