Fears

My biggest fear after this whole ordeal is getting back on that TTC (trying to conceive) horse.

How can we start trying again without freaking out? When we were TTC before, it took 3 cycles to get pregnant. Not very long for most, but I think it will feel like an eternity next time. The wait before I can test will be excruciating.

And then, when (if?) we get pregnant again, how are we going to live our daily lives trying not to imagine this happening all over again? The first 12 weeks are going to be so scary, and even after that there is just no guarantee. I just have no idea how I will get through it, and I can see myself just driving myself crazy about every little thing.

I guess these are signs that we are not ready to start trying again. Perhaps we will get to a point where the benefits outweigh the risks, and we’ll just decide to go for it.

As for now, we have decided that Baby G will in fact come back to us; that their body may be gone, but their spirit is not. And if we create a new body for them, they will come back. I don’t consider myself religious per se, but this thought comforts us greatly.

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Comments on: "Fears" (4)

  1. Alyssa- I think you will know when the time is right for trying again. And I would reach out to others that have gone through the same thing. HUGS!

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  2. I had those same fears, and the first trimester was a little scary. But it wasn't all consuming. And once I could feel the baby moving I was able to relax a little. The best thing you can do now is to take good care of your body so that when you do get pregnant again (and the chances of a normal pregnancy following a single miscarriage are excellent) you give the baby the best possible environment.

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  3. Hi Alyssa ~

    I arrived at your blog through another blog, and just wanted to offer some support through this time… Reading your posts takes me back to my loss on 12/6/07. I had had two successful pregnancies, and the thought of a miscarriage never really occurred to me. Our pregnancy was very unexpected, but we were OVER THE MOON. We told everyone right away and started planning . . . I miscarried at 9w4d. I still play the events in my mind from time to time and still hold that baby in my heart as my baby just as much as my others who are with me here. I have an ultrasound picture of our July Baby in a frame on the mantle, and a garden angel in memory.

    I didn’t take time to grieve, and was pregnant 3 months after my m/c, which, in hindsight, wasn’t the best idea [for me]. I needed time to process the loss before I could be a good Mom to the baby I was carrying. Conceiving so soon a) petrified me with fear of another loss and b) my focus was on the baby lost instead of the new life.

    I went on to deliver a beautiful baby girl who just turned a year old, and we’re TTC another baby now. Life goes on, and you deal with the fear and the hope. Having processed everything now, I can go into another pregnancy (God willing) and know that it’s a separate event altogether. I was pregnant. I had a loss. I was pregnant again. I had a beautiful daughter. I’ll be pregnant again. A loss isn't the eventual outcome, it's a remote possibility. I won’t let the possibility hang over my head and ruin the time I spend with this new life. On any given day, it’s possible that tragedy will strike. Living in fear of that possibility is like letting it happening every day, letting the fear overcome the hope, and that’s not fair.

    I remember well the dark days following our miscarriage, the physical and emotional recovery, and it was awful. Ours was right before the holidays as well. I’m so, so sorry. Feel fortunate to have known your baby in spirit, look forward to his/her return to you, and take care of each other during this sensitive time.

    ((HUGS))
    Dawn

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  4. Thank you, Becca and Dawn, for sharing your experiences, and to Jessica for your warm thoughts.

    Dawn, I really like the idea of thinking of each pregnancy as its own separate journey. That the outcome of one will not affect the outcome of the other. I think that idea will really help the next time we get pregnant.

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