Harder Than I Thought

We started trying again this cycle to no avail, and the negative result is a lot more painful than I expected (for both of us). It has brought a lot of the emotion back from the miscarriage, especially when I think how far along I’d be right now, or when I see/hear about pregnant women or a newborn.

I was very, very angry today. Angry at myself for not being able to get pregnant right away. Angry at Baby G for leaving us in the first place. Angry at the universe for picking us to have to go through this. Angry that we didn’t start trying earlier. Angry at anyone who ever has gotten pregnant without even trying.

I know that I shouldn’t complain – that, in fact, I’m one of the lucky ones because I can get pregnant. But, I sure don’t feel lucky right now. All I feel is anger, sadness, and hopelessness…and that knitting this damn baby blanket is going to be very emotional.

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Comments on: "Harder Than I Thought" (13)

  1. I'm sorry… and only offer the thing I think.. be kind to yourselves. And if possible, maybe find a boxing sack. I'm not kidding, the sheer thing of punching the living daylights out of a heave bag with mittens on is extremely pleasing and does let out steam and the anger.

    (I could say something that after grief comes anger and then you move on further in the process.. but it does sound a trifle arrogant? or just meaningless. I'll hope for you and DH and that you can get happiness and calm and not feeling anger and stress. You don't have to finish the baby blanket now you know, it's ok to leave it for another while… )

    My best thoughts and hopes to you two!

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  2. I”m sorry you're going through this. Thinking of you and sending good vibes. I hope you know you're allowed to be angry and to have all sorts of mixed emotions. You're only human. Hugs.

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  3. Chall – boxing probably would be of great help! I know that exercise at least helps me take my mind off things, and reduces my stress as well. So, I've been keeping it up (going 3-4 times a week).

    Working on the blanket, although hard, is important to me. It makes me feel like I'm doing something positive in regards to having a baby. So, I'm still going to try and finish it before the Olympics are done.

    SM – thank you for your thoughts, and for saying I'm allowed to be angry. I feel as though it's a strange feeling to have, but I'm letting myself feel it anyway.

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  4. Yuck, I am so sorry.

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  5. Agree with SM – you have to let yourself go through the anger. I also really like the boxing idea! 😉 My best thoughts are with you!!

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  6. Of course you can complain! There is no rule that says just because you can get pg doesn't give you a right to complain about not getting a BFP. Trust me, I did my fair share of whining and moaning each time I didn't see those 2 lines. I'm not gonna tell you it gets easier cause it doesn't but if you end up in my boat where it took almost 10 months to see a BFP again it gets less disappointing. Anger, sadness, frustration, etc are all things that will show their ugly faces on this journey, but each day you wake up knowing you can kick them all in the a$$ is one more day that you are headed in the right direction. I know it's easier said then done but don't let it control you.

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  7. Anger is the only emotion that is a gateway to other feelings. It probably feels strange to you because there are other, possibly truer feelings underneath it as well. Its the only emotion other than happiness that is socially acceptable to show and also the only one we have to manage. I think you're doing all of that wonderfully. Anger is healthy when you are in control of it.

    Be angry today…and maybe tomorrow and probably several other days along the way and thats ok. Get it all out so it doesnt eat you up. And keep knitting the blanket…it may end up being a wonderful outlet for your feelings and a another symbol/means of healing.

    Lots of hugs! Nobody could ever be so arrogant to say they know exactly what you're going thru but I empathize with you completely.

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  8. I second the “be kind to yourselves” thought. You are allowed to feel anger and frustration and all the other things, it's totally ok to let yourself feel that. I know it's easier said than done, but try not to put too much pressure on yourselves. You're in my thoughts too, sending lots of good vibes your way!

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  9. Thank you for all your thoughtful comments. I'm feeling a bit better today – or at least have some sort of acceptance. I've been trying to get/read positive stories about pregnancies after miscarriage(s), and that has been very helpful.

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  10. 1 in ever 6 couples in North America experiences infertility at some point so you are not alone. I'm baby # 9 — my mom had 5 miscarriages, a still birth, a failed adoption, my sister and then me. Not sure that's very cheering, but I had the best childhood because my parents never for a second took that role for granted and they made us feel like we were treasured beyond anything. Your grief (as hard as it is to bear at times) and your journey toward acceptance of your loss will be a wonderful gift you can give your children when they finally arrive. So work through your grief until you know how to help your children one day work through theirs.

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  11. I do empathize with you. We went through six months of trying after our miscarriage before we got pregnant (8 months total) and those were the hardest six months. I had to watch my SIL and cousin both have healthy babies while I still had empty arms. I also watched as other ladies who miscarried at the same time I did all got pregnant within a few months. We also got news that my other SIL got pregnant by accident. It was so hard and I cried alot. I had tons of frustration and would read blogs from other ladies in my situation and that helped me so much. I also started working out more which really helped improve my mood and learned to find peace which I did find the month before we got pregnant. God gave us our positive on the month our baby would have been due it was our special miracle and me and my husband appreciate this pregnancy even more because of our loss and struggle. Sending you lots of hugs and support and hoping and praying for you always!

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  12. Sending you love and hugs from afar.

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  13. Anon – wow, that's so admirable that your parents went through all that. I honestly don't know if I have that kind of strength, but I guess the only way to find out is to go through it.

    jrose – I have found working out has helped me as well. Not only do I feel better about myself, but it also helps me deal with stress and I feel like it's something I can do that will help once I do get pregnant again. I also find that DH and I are closer now – so at least something good came out of the whole thing.

    Cath – thanks so much 🙂

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