History Repeats Itself

About three years ago, I had a miscarriage. It was devastating, and something I would never wish on my worst enemy. 
So, here we are, three years later, going through it again. 
We found out we were pregnant about a week after Evan’s 2nd birthday. The timing weirded me out a bit because it was so close to when we had our first miscarriage (I know it shouldn’t matter, but all logic flies out the window after you have a miscarriage), but I was having strong symptoms and my beta levels were doubling on schedule. Everything was pointing toward a healthy pregnancy.
That is, until last week, when I had an ultrasound. I scheduled one early – at about 8 weeks – because that’s what we did with Evan to make sure things were going okay after the first miscarriage. When we got the results (baby measuring a week behind, low heart rate of 86), we were saddened, but still weren’t counting ourselves out. After all, u/s dating at such young fetal ages can have large errors. We could explain things away.
Then we had a follow-up ultrasound this week, and the results were conclusive: the baby had stopped growing at about 7 weeks and the heartbeat was gone. 
Then the world crashes down. Again. The worst thing this time around is I still have pregnancy symptoms, my temperatures are still high, and I have had no bleeding or cramping yet. I’m experiencing a missed miscarriage, where your body doesn’t realize the baby has died. If I didn’t have my ultrasound, I would be thinking that everything was perfectly fine right now. I might have to either take medication or have a procedure done to “assist”the miscarriage along.
With this, all the worries crop back up, along with some new ones: this is two miscarriages now, what does that mean?  Did I wait too long to have children? Will I be able to get pregnant again? Will I be able to stay pregnant again?
I’m thankful that we have Evan this time around – to keep our minds off things, to force us to keep some sort of normalcy in our lives, and to know that we have at least one amazing, healthy, crazy child to love.

Please send any positive thoughts you can spare along to us – we’re in need of them right now.

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Comments on: "History Repeats Itself" (25)

  1. I'm so sorry for your loss. Miscarriages are awful.

    Have you had a basic fertility work-up yet? In the US they generally won't do a full work-up until you've had at least 3 miscarriages, but I was able to get checked out for a few things while ttc. My (main) problem is that I have Poly Cystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS) and with that Insulin Resistance, so I lowered my miscarriage risk to that of a normal woman by going on 1500 mg of Metformin while ttc and during the first trimester.

    My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

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  2. So, so sorry! This sounds like a particularly hard version of an already difficult event. Take care of yourselves.

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  3. I'm so sorry for your loss.You all are my my thoughts and prayers and hope you can find comfort with each other during this.

    As for “What does this mean?”, I have come to realise that miscarriages are much more common than I thought. My friends have started talking about them. All of them though, have gotten 2 children now, but many of them went to the doctor to investigate “why” to see if there was something underlying that could be helped.

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  4. I'm so sorry about your loss. I feel for you and your family and am glad you guys have each other. Thinking of you and sending hugs.

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  5. Anonymous said:

    I'm so sorry.
    I know it doesn't help, but it is true that this is not uncommon. I am pregnant with my 2nd, late in the 3rd trimester after 2 miscarriages, and I know others who have successfully had a second child after miscarriages. So at least it doesn't necessarily mean you won't be able to have more kids with no trouble.

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  6. Not sure that this is of much comfort, but my mom had 10 miscarriages and I'm her second child. Keep the faith!

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  7. Alyssa, I wish I could give you a hug over the internet! I can't imagine how hard this must be. My husband and I are just starting TTC and the fear of a miscarriage lurks in the background. Thank you for talking about your experience, I think awareness of how common it can be helps all of us.

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  8. So, so sorry for everything you are going through. Chiming in what others have said – as devastating as they are, two miscarriages does NOT mean that something is wrong with you, or that you won't be able to have more children.

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  9. I'm sorry to hear that. It sounds really awful. Although I've not had a miscarriage, I can easily imagine it would make one wonder if something IS wrong. I most sincerely hope it's simply bad luck (REALLY bad, unfortunately) and that it'll be over soon – both the miscarriage and the bad luck.

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  10. HUGS, I am with Elizabeth I truly want to give you a hug through in the internet. I am so sorry that you have to go through this and go through it again.

    I am here for you ❤ you!

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  11. I'm so, so sorry Alyssa. Love and hugs to all of you.

    Echoing what others have said, I know several people who've had more than one child after two or more miscarriages – including people who had a healthy child then a miscarriage then another healthy child. It really is quite common, but people just don't talk about it.

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  12. You are in my thoughts.

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  13. I'm sorry A, that really sucks. I totally understand the timing thing too. With my last loss my due date was two weeks before my previous loss due date, and I was due 1 month after J, where the first time I was due 1 month after you had Evan. So, I can totally see how that made it difficult for you.

    I agree with the other posters who mentioned knowing people who had multiple losses and still had healthy pregnancies/babies. My mother had 3 of us and 2 m/c. One between me and my sister and one between my sister and brother.

    I totally get the whole “will I ever have another baby?” thing too. With two 2T losses in a row, both taking more than 6 months to TTC, I'm in the same boat with that feeling.

    I hope you don't have to wait too long for the m/c to be over with, the waiting is difficult.

    (((((HUGS)))) Thinking of you.

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  14. I'm so sorry, Alyssa. This sounds absolutely traumatizing on so many levels. I'm thinking the warmest, most positive, healing thoughts for you right now.

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  15. Thank you, everyone, for your kind words and sharing your stories or the stories of others. It amazes me how common this is once someone starts the conversation, but it's very rarely talked about.

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  16. I cannot begin to imagine what you are going through, but know that you are not alone; there are many who experience this part of life, and there are those you know and love who are there to support you.

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  17. Oh Alyssa, I'm so very very sorry for your loss.

    I'm thinking of you and wish you healing. Both of your body and your heart. 😦

    ((hugs))

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  18. I know I said it on FB already but I am so so sorry that you have joined the recurrent miscarriage club. So many prayers your way ❤

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  19. I'm so sorry. Lots of love and hugs to you and DH.

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  20. A couple of thoughts after reading your post…

    I have no idea of how you must be feeling but I imagine it is a sad and difficult time. I'm sending you lots of hugs.

    I commend you for having the courage to talk about something that (to my understanding) isn't that unusual, but doesn't tend to get talked about. I think that realizing that you are not alone in this is helpful when healing.

    I really identified with your point about waiting too long to have children. I am 33 and single and while I appreciate and love my current situation, I have this thought in the back of my head that I have spent too much time pursuing my career or travel ambitions and that fertility issues could plague me down the line.

    I don't think there is anything that I can say that will make you feel better. However, I think that by sharing your story you're opening yourself up to a support system that you might have known that you had.

    Big hugs to you and your family xxx

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  21. Thinking of you tonight, Alyssa. This is just not fair. I understand your worries, I have been there. Hang in there.

    So, so sorry for your loss.

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  22. so so sorry to hear this Alyssa. big hugs, you & your family will be in my thoughts.

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  23. Thanks again, everyone. It's so nice to have warm thoughts sent our way.

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  24. Oh no! I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope you can find peace and that your healing process goes as smooth as possible.

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  25. I am so very sorry. I went through the same thing and tried to just take a pill to encourage the miscarriage. It was tough because my body thought I was pregnant for a couple more months still! Building up tissue each cycle, so painful too. Even though I really didn't want it, a DNC would have been better. I didn't see any advice about that online last year, so I thought I would share.

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