Realization

Earlier this week, I remembered that I could not read the clock in my room at the hospital. This was scary for me. Afterall, that is a fairly simple thing to do at age 34. What was most scary for me is that I started wondering were there other things I thought I could do and couldn’t – either at that same time, or since then? Are there things now that I think I can do, but can’t?

A similar thing happened when I was working with an occupational therapist and had a hard time adding two numbers together – another task that should be simple, and something that would have been easy for me before the stroke. At the time, I had to check and re-check my adding until I got it right. I started crying then because it was such a simple task and I had problems with it.

With these experiences, I now find I second guess myself a  lot – am I doing a task correctly? did I really hear that sound or see that? Am I remember correctly? Did I say that right? It’s messed up, and screws with my mind. The other day, I made a meal I’ve made 100 times and I forced myself to read and re-ready the recipe so that I could get it right. Even then, I still checked and re-checked. The same goes when I type a short email or Facebook update – I constantly check to make sure everything is right so I don’t look like a fool (yes I do the same here, so don’t mentioned any typos to me, please!).

It’s messed up, and screws with my mind. Yes — my mind is screwing with my mind. How messed up is that?

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Comments on: "Realization" (2)

  1. I understand! For me it was chemotherapy for an aggressive cancer that has led to some cognitive blips. Numbersespecially are hard. I can no longer do mental math or learn new telephone numbers. The good news is that I have found ways around these issues and they have diminished in importance over time and even improved in some cases. Keep recovering as best as you can, enjoy your beautiful family as they enjoy you, and no that we are so happy to have your voice back.

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  2. I have cognitive blips without any outside influence but they are worse when I'm depressed, which definitely isn't helpful… the most obvious ones for me are place transpositions – I can't find the butter anywhere, turns out it's in a cupboard or the oven rather than the fridge (it's behind a door in the kitchen, I got the door wrong). I've got quite used to rolls of clingfilm in my dresser and a pair of socks in with the cutlery (both drawers, just in different rooms) and almost any object that belongs on a shelf can turn up on any flat surface, windowsills, table etc…. it's a warning sign that I'm not coping too well and ened to prioritise self care… although if I lived with other people it might be a bit more of an issue, I suppose…

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