Earlier this week, I remembered that I could not read the clock in my room at the hospital. This was scary for me. Afterall, that is a fairly simple thing to do at age 34. What was most scary for me is that I started wondering were there other things I thought I could do and couldn’t – either at that same time, or since then? Are there things now that I think I can do, but can’t?
A similar thing happened when I was working with an occupational therapist and had a hard time adding two numbers together – another task that should be simple, and something that would have been easy for me before the stroke. At the time, I had to check and re-check my adding until I got it right. I started crying then because it was such a simple task and I had problems with it.
With these experiences, I now find I second guess myself a lot – am I doing a task correctly? did I really hear that sound or see that? Am I remember correctly? Did I say that right? It’s messed up, and screws with my mind. The other day, I made a meal I’ve made 100 times and I forced myself to read and re-ready the recipe so that I could get it right. Even then, I still checked and re-checked. The same goes when I type a short email or Facebook update – I constantly check to make sure everything is right so I don’t look like a fool (yes I do the same here, so don’t mentioned any typos to me, please!).
It’s messed up, and screws with my mind. Yes — my mind is screwing with my mind. How messed up is that?