Losses and Gains

My stroke has take things away from me (some I’ll never get back and others might come back):

– The first month of Carter’s life. I’m trying to make up for lost time now, but I won’t get that time back ever.
-The breastfeeding relationship we started to develop the first week of his life. That is gone forever, and is a huge disappointment for me given that I wasn’t able to have one with Evan either (and even though I know it’s okay, and both boys will be fine, but it was always something that was very important to me).
-A month of Evan’s childhood, where he seems to be changing a lot and turning more and more into a little boy.
– The first Thanksgiving as a family of four.
– Parts of me – the thing I notice the most is I can’t remember when I really laughed the last time. Right now I call myself “stroke Alyssa”. Will I ever be “before stroke Alyssa” again, or just someone different?

Are there gains? Sure.

– My relationship with DH has strengthened – it’s amazing that a tragic event can make that happen.
– I appreciate our families so much, and how life is easier and better when they’re close by.
– There are so many wonderful people out there willing to help, even if you’re not close with them.
– Accepting and asking for help is a skill I need to work on 🙂
– I have more of an appreciation of how lucky I am to even be here right now.
– More interest in how the brain works, the causes and effects of strokes, and  just wanting to know more.
– Wanting to become and advocate for or somehow help other stroke sufferers.

PS: I’m really considering writing a story/book about this experience. That seems really daunting though.

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Comments on: "Losses and Gains" (2)

  1. I am so impressed with how amazing you are handling all of this. You always sound like you are balancing the bad with the good! You are a strong woman Alyssa! I am sure you could tackle a book..

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  2. I'm so glad you have such a great support system but it is sad to have missed out on so much that you can't redo. Hugs, mama! Also, in case you haven't heard of it before and wanted to try, it is possible for some women to re-lactate after weaning, or even breastfeed adopted children. I heard about it from a breastfeeding group on Facebook!

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