Evolving PG Feelings

I was thinking the other day about how my feelings about pregnancy – or, more specifically, getting pregnant – have evolved over time.

Of course those feelings started out as they do in most women – Oh, please God, NO! Not Now! Anything but this! Not now!! …PHEW!

Then, things changed after I got married and we decided to start “trying”. The first few times I POAS*, it was actually kind of weird – like I was being bad or something! I spent so long trying to prevent two lines, and now I was hoping, excited, and almost craving them to appear.

When I got my first positive, I was over the moon excited! We were starting our family! Wow! How amazing is my body to be able to do this!? I wonder if it’ll be a boy or girl? What names will will we choose? How will we decorate the nursery?

Then, it happened. I had a miscarriage. Dreams crash and shatter.

We picked up the pieces and started “trying” again. This time, waiting to see those lines appear isn’t exciting. Instead it’s nerve wracking. What will happen this time? Will it happen again? That ignorant bliss of getting pregnant the first time after deciding to try is washed away forever.

That story ends happily with the birth of Evan, but with some unexpected hardships shortly after.

Then a few years later we decide to “try” for #2. This time waiting for the lines isn’t exciting either. It’s more filled with thoughts like “are we sure?” or “what are we doing?” or “is this a mistake?” or , but also — “woah..family of four!?” and “we’ll be complete!”.

Then, it happened again. I had another miscarriage. Sadness takes over and and hopes dashed.

So, back to “trying” again and waiting for those lines is nerve wracking again, but for so many more reasons. Will I have another miscarriage? Are we doing the right thing by adding another child to our family? Can we handle it?

Then, Carter arrives, safe and sound in a perfect-for-me birth. And then, my brain bleeds. Stroke, caused by pregnancy.

We were never planning on having a 3rd anyway, but now that choice has been taken away because I would be at risk of having another stroke. Even without Evan and Carter depending on having a mother, that’s not a chance I’d be willing to take.

So, now at 35, my feelings about getting pregnant are back at square-one again: scared shitless. But for much different and “weightier” reasons. Not because it would put a hamper on my life, or put things on hold for a bit, but because it would literally mean a choice between life and death — either mine or the baby’s. That’s not a decision I want to make.

*Peed on a stick – sounds so much nicer as an acronym, don’t you think?

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Comments on: "Evolving PG Feelings" (4)

  1. Don't count yourself out of having a 3rd (or even 4th if you're crazy) child! Adoption is a way of bringing a new child into your life to love and cherish until they run away and/or you kick them out at 35, and there are so, so many children in need of loving families. I was adopted, and I often wonder what my life would be like if my parents didn't want a child badly enough to adopt me. Certainly not in a position to be able to do a PhD! If both you and DH have that nagging feeling that your family isn't complete yet with 2 kids, there are options for #3 🙂 Oh, and if it's a girl I *highly* recommend the name “Jennifer”. I hear it's a good name. Heard it from a friend. 😉

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  2. I can't believe I didn't see the second miscarriage post until now (I did read about the miscarriage much later, when you were pregnant with Carter and mentioned it in passing, and I figured you didn't write about it). So sorry I missed it — I am sending you some belated hugs!!! Miscarriages are just devastating. The fact that they are very, very common doesn't really make it much easier when you are in the thick of it. One of those things that are easy to grasp intellectually, but very hard to come to terms with emotionally…

    As for staying non-pregnant, what are you thinking in terms of long-term birth control? I am very happy with Mirena (the hormonal IUD), although I am not sure how the hormones plays with the possibility stroke? I am not crazy about tying my tubes, although I might eventually.

    Congrats again on your beautiful family!

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  3. Jen – something to think about, but we're pretty sure we're done with 3 🙂

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  4. Thank you! Now that we've gone through things like Evan being in the hospital, and me having a stroke, the miscarriages don't seem as serious. BUT, at the time they were incredibly painful and traumatic. It's so sad to know so many women have to go through that experience.

    As for birth control, DH is considering getting snipped, but we're still thinking about it. My doctors say using hormonal birth control will not make me anymore at risk for a stroke than any other healthy woman my age.

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