I recently wrote a bit about my struggles with body shaming, and touched on how I’ve been trying to see my body in a different light over the past few years.
I’m definitely more positive than I used to be about my body. I would use the words “hate” and “ugly” and “fat” a lot about myself and specific body parts (mostly my stomach) and, honestly, I’m surprised my body is still around after that much abuse. I mean, really, I would NEVER say those things to anyone else…why would I treat myself that way?
So, I have been making a conscious effort to try to love my body as is, but it is REALLY hard and is something I have been struggling with lately. I feel like I’m being torn between:
1) I must love my body as-is because that’s the best thing I can do for me, and to fight the body shaming brought on by patriarchy, society, and media.
2) Sometimes I just feel gross and fat, and I can’t stop these thoughts no matter how hard I try.
And if I’m feeling (2), I not only feel crappy about myself physically, but I also feel like a bad feminist and woman in general. I shouldn’t CARE if my pants are feeling snug or if I can feel my belly has gotten bigger. But, I do. I DO.
This has all come to a head now because I’m back into my normal weight range after losing a sickening amount of weight after I had my stroke and spent weeks and even months not eating nearly enough. My weight went up slowly in the months after, but then plummeted again when I started having serious anxiety attacks when C was about 6 months old and again when I started school last September.
Of course, even though the way I lost all that weight was not healthy, I felt great because THIN = HAPPY, right? DUH! I received so many compliments on how good I looked. How could I not love that? What’s the big deal though, right? Well, now I find myself hoping for an anxiety-inducing situation so maybe I’ll lose a few pounds again, and I have to fight those thoughts off. That is NOT healthy.
Changing my mentality about my body is a work in progress, and will probably be something I work on for perhaps my whole life. Thankfully, I came across this post written by someone who is battling the same thing, and I know I’m not alone.