Archive for the ‘rant’ Category

Effects of Body Shaming

I’ve noticed  in my social media circles recently that there has been a lot more attention given to body shaming, and how it needs to be addressed and abolished. There are nipple activists (why do women’s nipple need to be hidden, when men can “out” them whenever they feel?”), there is a movement toward ethical consumerism toward companies that support body-positive outlooks, and a growing resistance to over-the-top diets, what’s an acceptable bikini body:

Thank God, and it’s about time. I know that maybe I’m just seeing this more and more because of the social circles I travel in, but it is refreshing.

I’ve been battling bad body consciousness for most of my life (save the first few years of my life when I was blissfully ignorant and unaware of what a girl’s/woman’s body is supposed to look like). How could I not when all I heard from the women and girls around me was “diet” this, “workout” that, and don’t forget all the images and “advice” from helpful teen magazines on how to look hot to get the guy (because that’s what life is all about, of course).

I went through adolescents believing I was ugly because I – gasp! – had glasses, and a bit of hair on my arms and upper lip, and because I didn’t have boobs, and then because I did. Because I didn’t have a perfectly flat stomach, or because I had “flat” hair.

When I gained weight in university, and went ALL THE WAY up to a grotesque 145 pounds, I thought it was the end of the world. And, I was proven right when I lost over 20 pounds after a very bad breakup and everyone told me how great I looked. I spent the rest of my 20s trying to get back to that magical weight where I was loved and appreciated by all for my looks.

When I turned 30, I started to be conscious about trying HARD to love my body the way it is at any state. Be that my “normal” state, during pregnancy, or being down to my lowest adult weight after my stroke. But, it’s a difficult thing to achieve, especially with the constant comments from others about whether I look good or or not (during pregnancy, is the WORST, of course, because somehow your body becomes public property).

I try my best to stay positive during “ugh, I have to diet” and “I hate my flabby arms” conversations that seem to crop up with groups of women…but I usually end up going away broken hearted. Why does this have to be the way women feel about themselves?

But, I’m definitely not immune to thinking negatively about myself. Recent, I’ve been wanting to stop shaving my legs…because what  WASTE of time and effort, am I right??…but I can’t seem to “pull the trigger” because I know what others would think or (even worse) say.

I would also love to be happy with my body and wear a bikini (or even a regular swimsuit) without feeling totally conscious. I have never felt that freedom, and doubt I ever will. Knowing that is a pretty shitty feeling.

I hope the body-positivity keeps growing, and that women as a whole can give themselves permission to love themselves as is, instead of striving for something the media tells them is better than reality.


Triage Rut

Our life seems like triage lately. We just attend to what’s happening at the time, and not thinking about much else. The added unfortunate thing is that everything that needs attending too seems to be discipline related. I feel like my whole day and (especially) evening is about saying “no” or breaking up a fight/argument, or giving a time out. The in between time is filled with whining, crying, tattling, and high-pitched squealing.

And…summer hasn’t even started yet! E’s last day of school is next Thursday, then I’ll have both kids the majority of the time, except C will go to daycare on Tuesday/Thursdays. This is not something I’m excited about.

I’m also teaching an intensive exam prep-course, which I regret applying for. The prep is taking up a good portion of my very little free time, and then I have to teach during the evenings and weekends. At least I’ll get an iPad out of it.

I have all but stopped exercising, don’t eat well, and sleeping hasn’t been that great lately. I don’t spend much time on my hobbies, and I have a to-do list a million miles long.

I need to change things up before I end up in an anxiety and/or depression downward spiral.

How do you handle these times in life, and how do you turn things around?

Buying Into Christmas

I am so completely sick of so many things about the Christmas season:

– Writing and sending cards
– Advent calendars
– The whole Santa charade
– Getting token gifts for EVERYONE EVER (teachers, daycare staff, mail carrier, pet walker/sitter…)
– Baking 123 dozen cookies
– Over-solicitation from charities
– The whole FOCUS of “WHAT do you want for Christmas?”

I’ve never really found the holidays super stressful, but this year I’m just finding the whole season annoying because it’s so totally full of obligation, competition, and pettiness.

I used to like Christmas shopping. Going out to the mall/wherever, and just looking around until something struck me for someone specific. Now I just feel like it’s all about gift cards and lists, and it’s not even something I want to think about, let along DO (especially since everyone turns into an asshole when Xmas shopping).

I like baking all year round, but I find baking at Christmas really annoying because it just seems like some big competition – who can be the most miserable about baking? I also can’t stand all the pictures on Facebook about it. It just seems so obnoxious.

Last year I didn’t send out Christmas cards because of stroke. I liked the freedom so much that I decided to do the same thing this year.

I can’t stand the focus on Santa and chocolate and presents for the kids.

Even decorating our house for the holidays didn’t lift my spirits, and that ALWAYS works.

I don’t know where I’m going with this post other than I don’t like how the holidays are presenting themselves this year. I’m just feeling “meh” and “bleh” and want to just wash my hands of the whole thing. I need to either change my attitude and/or change the way we do things.

How are you feeling about the holidays this year?

"I read an article"

Is it me, or are more and more people using “I read an article about X” to “prove” their point in an argument?

This DRIVES me crazy! Where? What article? Who was it written by? Where was the funding (if any) from?

Just because you read some blog on the internet that agrees with your stance on a subject, or (gag) saw something mentioned by that crack Dr. Oz, does NOT give it more credence.

Kudos for reading, but please do your research before you start calling people out on their actions or getting into non-arguments that just piss people off. You’re entitled to have your opinions and don’t need to back them up with “things you read” — just own them for yourself instead of trying to make them look more valid by trying to prove that someone important (must be, if they’ve WRITTEN something, right?) has them too.

So Done

This winter has officially crushed my spirits, and that of our whole family I think. We’re just struggling to find things to do every weekend…we can’t do anything outside because it’s so freaking cold and/or snowing and/or windy or whatever makes outside out of the question, and there isn’t much to do inside either. We’re all going stir crazy! I’m so hard up for ideas, we actually went to the mall as a family yesterday to try and get a new electric kettle (and couldn’t find one!!!).

Carter is going through a sleep regression and Evan is 3.5 (need I say more?), so I feel like I want/need to run away on a daily basis.

Spring needs to come already!!! I’m about to lose my mind.

Lacking Focus

Note: not looking for advice or anything, just need to get this out!

Last time, I touched on that I’m feeling that my life is lacking focus, and it’s so true. There are just so many things on my mind and things going on that I sometimes just feel lost trying to keep up with it all.

Her’s a snapshot of what’s going around in my head:

Careers stuff
– Will I get into teacher’s college? If so, can we really afford it? Will I be able to be a student again? What about finding a job afterwards?
– What if I don’t get in, what will I do then? What kinds of jobs can I apply for with my background? Should I look into other certificate programs? If so, what and where, and how much will that cost? Would it be worth it?

(these things don’t actually stress me out – or else they wouldn’t be “hobbies” –  but just other things in my head while I’m making a list)
– Knitting: I really want to get this damn afghan done, and I want to work on Carter’s sweater. I’d also like to try a pair of socks. Oh, and I’m a bit bummed that the knitting group I started has been a bit slow.
– Reading: There are just so many books I want to read. Can I read them all at the same time? Plus $$ for books.
– Blogging: talked about this last time.
– Oh yeah, and I want to learn how to play the piano!

House stuff
– This house is not meeting our needs, and definitely won’t in a short time when Carter’s up and about.
– Do we want to stay in our house and renovate or move to another house that would meet our needs better?
– If we stay, what projects do we want to do? What’s a priority? What exactly do we want to do? How much will it cost? When can we do them?
– This house needs to be more organized! How much is that going to cost? When am I going to have the time to do that? What should I tackle first? What should I try to sell, or what should I donate or just trash?

Kid/Family Stuff
– Things to do while at home with Carter during the day
– What to do on the weekends to keep everyone happy and entertained
– When to put Evan back into part-time daycare
– When to start Carter in daycare
– Why is Carter waking up multiple times in the middle of the night, or waking up at 5am, and can we do anything about it? I’m guessing it’s just a phase…
– When should we start Carter on solids and I completely forgot how we did that with Evan, so I should figure that out soon…
– When will DH and I be able to spend any tine together just the 2 of us?

Oh, and don’t forget the random thoughts/flashbacks about the stroke (these are always fun). I sometimes wonder if I think about all these things, or want to do a million things, because my mind (and body!) was idle for a while?

Maybe there are just too many things going on right now, or maybe we’re just busy and getting used to being a family of four. Maybe I’ll feel better once I start school (if I get in) or get a job and have something that’s only for ME.

If it’s not one thing…

Note: This is a rant. I am not looking for advice or for someone to tell me to suck it up and that’s life (I KNOW that, thankyouvermuch – I can still bitch about it). 

…it’s another! I feel like my to-do list just keeps getting longer and longer. How is that possible? I’m on maternity leave! I’m supposed to be enjoying my time off with the baby, not:

– Registering Evan for kindergarten (!!)
– Ordering new contacts
– Calling Employment Insurance AGAIN to try and get that whole thing straightened out
– Calling various doctors’ offices to confirm/change appointments
– Answering questions about a conference I helped plan last year that *must* be done ASAP
– Answers various work-related emails
– Paying the bills
– Doing the never-ending cycle of household crap
– Making yet another potty chart (and POTTY TRAINING — potentially the worst part of parenting thus far).
– Trying to come up with 100 ways to entertain Carter

Plus I’m dealing with a cold. Ugh. Can’t I just REST and forget all these stupid obligations of life??

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